User Profile

I am twenty four and male. Being a male, having these masculine tendencies has done much to make my life what it is. I define myself as a writer, as an artist, as an intellectual. Of the goals of my life, one placed highly, if not highest, is to produce gerat written works. The virtue of writing is that it can be both intellectual and emotional. In great writing there is emotional value in the words, the semantic meaning of the words becomes aeshetic feeling. Emotion and semantic meaning combine.

I have in my charachter tendencies of an artist and of a scientist. I want to write works of pure science and works of literature, of pure art. They will be quite different from one another. My ability at literature is limited in that most of my literary writing is autobiographical. The ‚literature‘ that I can write comes from finding meaning in the events of my own life. I will find it very surprising if I ever write a screenplay or a novel that is not directly about myself. I do not have a mind that creates charachters and then gives them personalities. I could not write a detektive story or action movie. I have written poetry and continue to do so. I could not define myself as a poet. The two poets I have known well I feel very different from. When poetry is read I usually do not get it. I have a considerable knowledge of painting, music, films, and literature but I have essentially no knowledge of poetry.

I have read over fourteen hudnred books. I was around sixteen when I started to read seriously. I would read many of my fathers books in the house and I would go with my father to the bookstore and he would buy me the book that I wanted to read. I became quite a different person when my interest in reading books came about. I got poor grades throughout highschool and I found it quite shocking how, at a convention with hundreds of „gifted“ students I did not find a single one of them reading a book on the break for lunch. I alone read, not talked with others. My intellectual maturity began with these first books I read.

My reading lead me to want to be a scientist, to study evolution. I read all the books on evolution. This motivation ended when I was around twenty for a complexity of reasons. Basically I could not find that which isn’t human the most interesting to study and learn about. No writer had done more to change how I think and to reveal more about human reality than Marcel Proust did for me.

My great interest in biology and evolution remains. I have written something I esteem very much on the philosophy of biology. I find a great amount of aeshetic beauty in nature. In the branching structure of a tree or the many colors of green in a field I can find there what is most sublime. I love to take photographs of trees, to capture the beauty of the color and structures. My hope is that these photographs will someday find recognition in addition to my writing.

I did very poorly in highschool, the bottom 25% of the class. Could not do math. When I started to go to college however I learned how to study and to be a good student. In these years mathematics was surely my favorite thing to study.

After losing some internet in biology I changed my concentration to psychology. This gave way to an internet in neuroscience or neuropsychology that continues. The books of science I plan on writing will be books of neuroscience.

Great change happened to me when I decided to smoke marijuana regularly. That is, until the last years of my life I will be getting high many times each month. Marijuana produces different effects for different brain chemistries for me it has what could only be thought of as a great effect. For example, I will smoke marijuana, then, after getting high I will have a continued thought and I will be writing these thoughts for maybe an hour or two without much pause. If I take marijuana too often, of course, it looses its effect, and on average I will get high three or four times a week, that is about fifteen to twenty hours. It is a state of strong happiness, really of bliss. Smoking marijuana with other persons does make me paranoid however so most of the time when I am high I prefer to be alone. My most favorite friend was the person I enjoyed to smoke marijauna with. I have not know another person who has an analagous response to marijuana.

It is a great hope in life that I will find a woman to love and, with her nearby or joining me I can get high. This thing which I want most to have and have never really experienced.

So when I was around twenty two I decided that I always wanted to smoke marijuana. With this I realized that the majority of persons would not understand me or accept me for who I was. I am also an atheist and an anarchist and would practice free love, and most persons do not accept these ideologies. What is important to me is definitely not to be famous or well-known but to love. Rather one person who understands me really well than 200 persons who would consider me a great writer but not understand my work.

I have been in love with at least four women. The relationships all had much problems. I have not yet met a woman who has inspired the deepest emotions of love and regard. I feel a great amount of love and care and affection and sexual drive that comes from me, but, because of my charachter I have hardly been able to meet and know well the persons I really desire.

I am a very calm person and this is not always to the best. I am a very unjealous person I really think that if I have love for someone I cannot be jealous if they want to spend time with other persons. When I did love someone I encouraged her to sleep with other men, and myself wanted to sleep with other women. Since I am laying everything out on the table about me I must tell you also that I am a very sexual person I think that if I had a girlfriend I would want to have sex with her very often.

Beginning to smoke marijuana gave me much confidence, basically, I have used the drug to make myself more intelligent and more creative than I was. Soon after incorporating marijuana into my life I lost all interest in being a university student. I reasoned that I had the abiilty to write any book I really wanted to write and that in time I would sustain myself economically from this writing. That has not happened yet. Being a student lost all appeal. When I had university classes my behavior was often not socially appropriate, often sleeping in class or not paying any attention even when the subject was very interesting to me. To do well in higher education a person must be the way, and think the way, other persons want him to. Anything intellectual that I want to learn I know that I can learn it better by reading about it than being lectured by a teacher.

I began to take a liking to classical music when I was about nineteen. As you know, music is one of my most favorite things. I can think of the names of many composers whose work I adore, whose music brings out the deepest feelings of emotion and energy from myself. I did practice hard at piano for some time. Another great interest that has came to me, around twenty three, has been to have much interest and love of paintings, I love to go to art museum, as you know. I love to watch films, love to read novels and books about history and science. I love to learn new languages, I want to spend a large amount of my time in life travelling.

Realizing the great value of drugs, I began to incprorate more of them into my life. Alcohol and caffeine both do much to help me write, to learn, and to love art. Both bring net benefit along with some probléme they cause my life. A person who knew me very well said I was always changing, always liking new things, going through new phases. I am very glad that LSD existed many of the most meaningful moments in my life have come to me while on the drug. Unlike marijuana, caffeine, and alcohol I do not find it desirable to do LSD alone, and it is hard for me to find, so I do not have it very often.

This tendency of mine that has no concern for social success or recognition. I desire to have written a publishable book much more than I desire the book to be published. As such I have made very little effort at having anything I have written be published. This book, will probably be the first thing. I expect all of my serious works will all find themselves publisehd at some ponit in my life – becuase they are of good quality – and that only is the most important thing.

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